A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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