turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
