He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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