How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
