so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
