my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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