Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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