The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
