I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
