it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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