i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
