I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize