I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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