So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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