you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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