I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
