I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
