I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
