I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
