3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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