he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
