I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
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