she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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