My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
