I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
if only i could text you this smell
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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