I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
