Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
