help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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