Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
