dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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