the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
