I haven't been this sober since birth.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Randomize
