Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
my phone needs a breathalizer
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
