the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
