I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
