I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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