your parents love me but you hate me
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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