I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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