yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize
