I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
