You just made me feel so damn special
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
