how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
