So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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