OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
