and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize