I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
