Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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