When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Randomize
