bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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