i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
