Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
In other news, I just burned my penis
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize