he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
