I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
