you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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