Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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