I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
