see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
