She went from zero to smokin in five shots
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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